It sucks.
I would rant about how much I hate this and how lonely I feel, but I am striving with all my strength to stay positive about this. I could say how I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and felt very scared and alone in my cold dark empty house. Or how I subsequently overslept, was late for work, and increased the severity of the cold I've been failing to stave off for the past few days. I could ramble about the meals I've cooked, about how clean my kitchen is, or how I'm working to lower the electric bill by turning off all the lights except one and only heating one room (mine).
However, rather than explaining a whole pity-party of sad lonely depression (captured best by me with a glass of wine, watching Star Trek and then contemplating going to bed at 8pm because I couldn't think of anything better to do), I feel the need to focus on the POSITIVE experiences I'm creating for myself. For instance, after a long and exhausting day at work today, I crawled into bed to watch more Star Trek DVDs and eat way too many Doritos. Then, feeling lonely, pathetic, and bored, I contemplated taking a nap.
My best friend asked how I was doing via text message at that moment. After an abruptly-shortened rant where I realized how sad and pathetic I would sound and didn't want to diminish from the fun time he was having, he suggested that I start a new project. After thinking for awhile, and finishing my tv episode, I decided that I should get out of the house while it was still light outside. I contemplated going for a run, but a combination of laziness and concern for my own health (again, I've barely been staving off a nasty cold for several days, and the weather has been awfully unhelpful), I decided on a walk instead.
The walk downtown was surprisingly nice - it was chilly, but the sunlight was warm and cheering, and I took a few photos as I walked. At some time after leaving my house and before arriving downtown I became aware that I was heading towards the public library. Now, I had acquired a library card here some four or five years ago because a friend told me you could rent movies there overnight for free (this was when Blockbuster was still in business), but I don't believe I'd ever actually used the card. Well maybe once... I think.
I immediately wandered to the non-fiction section and began searching for interesting-sounding topics. Now, I'm not one for nonfiction, generally speaking. My bookshelves, bedside table and the pile next to the bedside table are a healthy majority of fantasy interspersed with some science fiction and a smattering of other fiction. However, since I already have all those topics covered I thought this might be a chance to broaden my horizons a little bit and give my brain the workout it's sorely been needing since I graduated college and quit using it.
On the walk home, I felt really good about myself and the small stack of new books under my arm. It's been years since I felt that sense of excitement about new books or actually chose to read something intellectually stimulating for FUN, and these four books on various political, religious and pop-culture topics are going to keep me very entertained and challenged over the next few weeks.
I'm excited about this, and I will post more as I see fit - hopefully, one or more of these books will spark some response or new line of thought that I can write about and share with you, so until then, wish me luck!
