Earthquakes and Loss of Self

Well, I experienced my first real earthquake yesterday, along with about half the East Coast... and I must say, if I never live through another one of those again I'd be okay with it. I've been pet-sitting with my sister Rosie, which is anything from driving to a house three times a day to feed a lady's two cats and clean up after them to our current client whose house we've been living in for four days. I don't mind this, as it's a really nice house with two German Shepherds, an extremely comfortable pillow-top mattress and a hot tub on the back porch. However, having only moved a few weeks ago it feels strange to be staying in a different house and I actually find myself feeling somewhat homesick these past two days...

When the earthquake hit, I was getting ready to make lunch I think, and Rosie was taking a nap with the dogs. My immediate thought was that something had crashed into the house, or that for whatever reason the house was collapsing. Rosie woke up of course, and we proceeded to freak out at each other, during which I said that I thought we were supposed to get into a doorway or something; unfortunately for me, the doorway right next to where I was standing had some pens, pencils and markers perched on the ledge for a white board in the kitchen, and these started falling down around me like hailstones...

It was all over in about a minute, but the shaking feeling in my bones lasted for much of the rest of the day as we both frantically tried to reach loved ones and found our cell phones to be useless, then tried to find the news station on the tv to figure out exactly what was happening. The biggest earthquake to hit Virginia in over a century, and I can't help but think that maybe I will never live in a place where events like this are commonplace (Sorry, California).

Classes were canceled for the evening at most of the area schools, including the one night class I'm taking with my sister and which I'd been looking forward to for days. We didn't find out about the school closing until about a minute before we ran out the door to head to class, so I was a bit miffed at the late notice and loss of activity. Add to that the email I received the day before which told me, after two weeks of waiting, that the job I'd been promised had actually been given to somebody else and they're so sorry and I was crushed... and you might see why I've been feeling a bit out of sorts since then.

I'm glad to be here with my sister, spending some quality time and getting to relax, watch tv, soak in the hot tub and hang out with the dogs who are really quite sweet. However, my feelings of failure and uselessness came to a head when I went to fill up my empty gas tank and spent the last ten bucks out of my bank account. That's when I switched into crisis mode, and I have yet to figure out how to get out of it. I feel a strange combination of restlessness and lethargy that has me alternately napping, overeating, playing stupid games on my iPhone and trying to search for more job applications, in addition to stopping by home to visit my parents and check the damage from the earthquake. It's been a little surreal, but I'm trying like hell to shake myself out of this strange inactive cycle and into one that includes job interviews and exercise and not feeling so sorry for myself. I've been drinking much more than usual, and not eating very healthily either (in the aftermath of the earthquake I think Rosie and I ate most of a box of chocolate chip cookies).

Not sure why I'm writing all this except I felt too restless to do much of anything else. I need to get off here and back to the applications, except that my resume is on MY computer and I'm looking at job listings here on Rosie's laptop so it doesn't really help unless I go home where I can complete an application online. I've got to find something soon, or I'm liable to go crazy with guilt and self-hatred because I've been out of work for 5 weeks, home for 4 and am now totally broke, and in absence of motivational energy I'm now running on sheer desperation. Please, somebody just give me a decent job so I can feel like less of a waste of space and burden on my family and friends!!

I kind of hope nobody reads this, because it's pathetic. Hopefully soon I'll have something better to write about, but for now I'd better shut up and go do something useful.

~me

Sustainable Living, courtesy of the public library =P

I really want to share this library book with several people because it's been so interesting and mind-stretching for me... but I will settle for posting a few of the best quotes from the introduction and then perhaps a commentary post later...

Simple Prosperity: Finding Real Wealth in a Sustainable Lifestyle

by David Wann

p.2: "is it really huge houses that we need, or a sense that we've accomplished something in our lives; that we've expressed who we are, and that our lives are large enough to include the people we love? There are more ways of meeting these needs. Is it a string of exotic vacations we need, or the realization that life is an adventure no matter where we are? We don't all have to be millionaires, but we do need creative challenges and a sense of purpose."

p.5-6: "When we choose real wealth, we can have things like healthy, great-tasting food; exciting hobbies and adventures; work that challenges and stimulates us; and spiritual connection with a universe that's so much larger than we are..."

p.9: "Currently, more money is being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. So in the very near future there should be a large elderly population with impressive breasts and magnificent erections, but no recollection of what to do with them." -Sally Feldman

p.10: "Our economy is out of alignment with the values that make us feel grateful to be alive. Values such as health, relationships with people, connection with nature, satisfying work, a sense of purpose, abundance of personal time, and freedom of expression are the real wealth, far more valuable than money and mountains of manufactured stuff."

You guys should totally read this book! It's a lot more than just a conservationist talking about how we should all recycle and eat organic food - it's a real look at our consumer-driven culture and how we can modify our own lives to help save the environment and be overall happier, healthier and less stressed!

Unfinished

There is a strange phenomenon that takes place on the first true Spring evening of the year. The bright intense heat of the day has faded, but light remains in the air, though the hour grows later. Few wanderers are abroad at this time, most having been exhausted by the excited exuberance of the afternoon. Sounds and colors both seem muted, as though the air also rests from the day in languid immobility. The air is still pleasantly warm, a perfect climate for leisurely strolls out-of-doors, and yet this soul encounters few others on her journey. A small inclination of the head in friendly acknowledgement takes the place of casual greeting, none seeming willing to break the relaxed silence that has settled over the town. The vibrant and varied hues of sunset barely peep over the tops of tall buildings, and all else is shades of blue and grey.

This quiet calm, this easy comfortable evening passes slowly as I find my niche to pass the hours, a glass of wine on the table and pen in hand, poised for inspiration. And so we wait, as evening meanders quietly into twilight and smooth musical notes waltz around the perimeter of our awareness... This spring evening is one of solitude but not of loneliness. The quiet does not oppress or depress, it merely exists and drifts freely on a fluttering breeze that draws blossoms from the trees to spiral slowly to the earth in uneven circles. What a night to write! The pen in my hand seems to flow unbidden as the flower petals outside, words drifting to fall as they please across the page, unhindered by deadline or design.

As breezy evening passes into drowsy night, so do the words formulate in lazy circles across the page, being in no hurry to get to anywhere in particular. I take a break to have a bite to eat and the moment is lost, whisked away on that invisible breeze to unimaginable ends, where poetry waits to be found. I sit in profound silence, surrounded by the bustling business of socialization; the chatter of conversation, the clinking of glasses and plates, and the insistent persistent question in the eyes of my waitress... Um, check, please?