I Agree With This Song

Kate Nash - "The Nicest Thing"

All I know is that you're so nice
You're the nicest thing I've seen
I wish that we could give it a go
See if we could be something

I wish I was your favourite girl
I wish you thought I was the reason
You are in the world

I wish my smile was your favourite kind of smile
I wish the way that I dressed
Was your favourite kind of style

I wish you couldn't figure me out
But you always wanna know what I was about
I wish you'd hold my hand when I was upset
I wish you'd never forget
The look on my face when we first met

I wish you had a favourite beauty spot
That you loved secretly
'Cause it was on a hidden bit
That nobody else could see


Basically, I wish that you loved me
I wish that you needed me
I wish that you knew when I said two sugars,
Actually I meant three

I wish that without me your heart would break
Yeah, I wish that without me
You'd be spending the rest of your nights awake

I wish that without me you couldn't eat
I wish I was the last thing on your mind
Before you went to sleep

Look, all I know is that
You're the nicest thing I've ever seen
And I wish that we could see if we could be something
Yeah, I wish that we could see if we could be something

This is a great song

Started a new station on my Pandora site at work this morning, and just heard a song I liked so much I decided to post the lyrics in full for your enjoyment.

The song is called "The Quiz" by Hello Saferide, and it goes a little something like this:

You look nice alright
And I like the way you nod after everything I say
Like it actually means something to you

And I like your record collection
Townes and Jens with a hint of Rickie Lee
And you've cleaned up the bathroom, made a really nice soup
but a bit too much sci-fi in your shelf with DVD's

But there are things you need to know about me
I'm weak right now, so weak right now
I need proof before I dare to open this heart
So I've prepared a quiz for you

Would you freak out if I said I liked you?
Do you walk the line?
Is your IQ higher than your neighbours?
And is it very much higher than mine ?

Can you sleep when I grind my teeth?
Do you look away if I slob when I eat?
Will you let me be myself?
Can you at all times wear socks? Because I'm still scared of feet

And if I'd fall, would you pick me up?
If I'd fall, would you pick me up?

Do you talk in the middle of Seinfeld?
Do you read more than two books a month?
Do you get racist or sexist when you've had a few?
Is it fine if I make more money than you?

Have you slept with any people I work with?
Is there anyone you'd rather wish I'd be?
Do you still keep pictures of old girlfriends?
Are they prettier than me?

And if I'd fall, would you pick me up?
If I'd fall, would you pick me up?

Downtime is Confusing

What a weekend!  Friday night mom and I ventured out to the football game at Robinson to see my alma mater (not even sure if that's the correct usage of the term)... the team was pretty awful, but the band was rather good and I got to say hi to my old retired band director.  We left after halftime since it was a chilly rainy night and the team was losing, and I went to bed early that night.  Saturday I slept in, made delicious omelets for me and mom, and then went out to DC for a date... giant lattes, falafel for dinner, and a live blues band rounded out our evening, and I was up way too late.  On Sunday my brother and his girlfriend came up for dinner, and we got to eat yummy Thai food!  After dinner, I went over to Laura's to catch up (best friend from high school) with her and the fiance...

Monday morning... Actually, just glanced at the clock and realized it's already past noon!  I feel like I've done next to nothing since getting to work this morning, while really I've made one or two important phone calls and distributed like 4 FedEx envelopes... I also got to call my friend Lisa, the lady in building management who always answers when I call for the 47th time to tell them it's too cold in here and she promises to "have somebody out right" away to fix it...  As I write this I'm wearing the old faded black hoodie I stole from my last job and which I keep in the bottom of my personal drawer for just such an occasion, and sipping my third chai latte of the morning just because it's really warm (well, it is now that I microwaved it again).  I think I'm going to be sick if I don't eat something solid soon to soak up all that tea!

... I really don't know what I'm supposed to do with downtime at work.  I know it's usually frowned upon to surf the internet or do "personal" activities while at work, but I'm an assistant.  I don't really have my own projects to work on, unless my supervisor asks me to help her with something, and she happens to be on vacation this week.  I just finished a big project on Friday, and nobody else has asked me for help in the past couple of workdays, so my to-do list for the day only has three items on it: the first is to contact building management to "have somebody out right away" so they can install our new water filter.  I've already emailed, and just need to let the guy in whenever he shows up.  The second is to get in a shipment of new water filters, which doesn't even require me to be here as I already placed the order and they know where we are.  The third is to set up a meeting with a guy who hasn't emailed me back yet to set up the meeting, so I'm just waiting for his email.

I like this job; seriously, I do.  But I really don't know what they expect me to be doing in between projects and mass mailings other than messing around on my computer.  At least here I look busy, rather than having out a book or my iPhone or being away from my desk... but still, I'd rather be actually working.  It makes me feel useful and makes the time go by faster.  Also I like to feel that I've earned my paycheck at the end of a long week.  So, I'm going to send a few emails to the coworkers I feel most friendly with and see if any of them have projects I can help out with.  Barring that, I've got to start studying a new subject or something if I'm going to have chunks of free time like this with internet access, so at least I'd be doing something productive.

Any suggestions would be welcome, those four of you who follow my blog and might actually read this.  Thanks =P

Success? Seriously?

So!  I just glanced over my last blog post and remembered how lost and confused and downtrodden I felt one month ago... However, several big things in my life have changed since then.  The first and foremost would be the addition of a NEW and EXCITING fancy shmancy JOB in DC!  I got interviewed and almost immediately hired for a position at a commercial real estate management company located just a few blocks from the White House in downtown DC about three weeks ago, and since then my life has been turned upside-down.

I ride the metro to work, which aside from being ridiculously expensive is also unreliable and frustrating at the most inconvenient of times.  I like to be in control of my earliness or tardiness, as getting to work on time makes me look professional and hard-working, while lateness makes me look like a lazy uncommitted bum.  However, when someone else is in charge of your transportation to and from work, the appearance of laziness is not my fault and makes me feel both guilty and frustrated at my lack of control over the whole situation.

Take yesterday, for instance.  I left my house nine minutes late, figuring I'd make up the time in transit - I usually arrive early enough to get a latte and saunter in to the office (it's hard to saunter in heels!) a few minutes early, so I was really not too concerned by the few minutes lost.  I had driven to the metro station with no problems (about a 30-35 minute drive most days with decent weather and traffic), got a seat on the crowded train and was deeply absorbed in my fantasy novel and iPhone music when suddenly I became aware that an unusual announcement was being made.  Yanking off my headphones, I was just in time to hear the unfortunate news that EVERYONE was to be required to disembark at the next stop, immediately.  The train would then be returning to the station (for maintenance?  I never actually heard the reason).  Grumpily, myself and a few hundred others shuffled out onto the platform at Arlington Cemetery, three stops from my exit but (according to Google Maps) at least a 32 minute walk from my office, with me having no clue how to get there and not wanting to hike in my heels and skirt all the way to work.  Besides, I would just wait for the next train with everyone else, right?

Wrong.  Two or three trains came and went, each more full than the last and not wanting to suffocate from trying to shove my way into an already overstuffed train, I kept waiting for the next one... and the next.  I called my boss and left a voicemail explaining my predicament, just before squeezing into a finally less-crowded train and resuming my trip, all out of sorts and mildly annoyed.  We then proceeded to drive into the middle of the deepest darkest tunnel on the whole trip and just sit there for ten or fifteen minutes, enough for everyone to start giving each other uneasy looks as though sizing each other up for possible cannibalism.

I finally arrived at work about 35 minutes late and my supervisor was extremely understanding.  She used to commute by metro but now she drives herself to save the hassle (though I had imagined that driving into the city would be a nightmare unto itself!).  So, no harm done.  I was even able to make up the time lost by staying late last night and coming in a bit early this morning, so I won't even lose any pay.

I seem to have gotten off track a bit...  Oh, yes.  I was pontificating on the joys of being a gainfully employed and contributing member of society!  I don't know when I've ever been so enthusiastic about getting up at the crack of dawn and spending an hour and a half getting to work, wearing heels and pantyhose and other business-wear... My morning routine has expanded to include hair-drying, the application of makeup (shocker, no?), and packing my own (trying to be healthy) lunch, and for the most part has cut breakfast down to a 'Special K' bar (my doctor has me on a diet because my cholesterol sucks).

My office has 36 people besides me (going to be 37 with the addition of another new hire next week), and I man the front desk - answering the phone, directing calls, distributing the daily mail and newspapers, keeping the lobby neat and tidy... processing checks and invoices, ordering office supplies, keeping the copy room and kitchen clean and well-stocked.  I take on any number of jobs; folding, envelope-stuffing, postage-printing and mailing seem to take up a good chunk of my time, as well as keeping spreadsheets of corporate property listings up-to-date and well formatted.  I help out anyone in the office with copying, faxing, labeling, filing, and other duties as needed.  I greet visitors and make them coffee.  I set up meetings, arrange the chairs in the conference room, call caterers and make big important decisions like "tuna vs. chicken salad" or "Splenda vs. Sweet&Low".

I guess you could call me an "Administrative Assistant"... but the official job title given me by this company is "Director of First Impressions"... and I find I like that better, goofy though it may sound to some.  I'm loving the corporate atmosphere, the new clothes my mom helped me buy my first week, having my own desk bedecked in post-its which I ordered last week in a variety of fun colors and some photos of my family and best friends which I printed at home and mounted on the wall next to my computer.  I like reading on the metro, going out for coffee at the French bakery across the street, arranging meetings with vendors to find the best prices on supplies.

There are times when I run out of things to do and get bored.  It is then I wonder whether I ought to be finding new projects to do, rather than getting on Facebook or listening to music.  I am here at my desk, available for anything that needs to be done, computer and phone at the ready... but for instance on a rainy Friday evening when many people leave early, my supervisor's on vacation and there's just not a whole lot going on... I find myself -- what else? -- blogging!  I am "the writer", after all (one of my new coworkers greeted me as such my first day and I was thrilled).

So, whether they make me an offer to become a permanent salaried employee or whether I move on from here in a few months to something else, for the time being... I'm HAPPY.  Imagine that?  Happy, at my job.  Happy, in my choice of activities.  Happy to be reading again, at least two hours each day between the metro and my lunch hour.  Content, for the time being at least, to be living at home with my sister, my parents, the cat and dog...  I'm happy!

As to the activities outside of work:  I'm taking a ballet class at the local community college with my sister on Tuesdays... my first dance class since high school (6 years!).  It's fun and nostalgic and more difficult than I remembered because of how out of shape I am.  I've been out on a few dinner dates with a really nice guy in the past couple of weeks =P  I went to a wedding last weekend, visited my best friend in Harrisonburg the weekend before, and tonight I'm hopefully going to the football game with my mom at my old high school, to see the marching band of course.  I also took my first ever "zumba" class last night, also with my mom!  It was amazing fun, but completely exhausting!  Woke up sore and feeling almost feverish after having more exercise in that one hour than I've probably had in years... But it's still a good feeling - to be exercising again, and in such a fun way!  I've got to make myself keep it up!  You know, in the 2 seconds I have to spare between work and my commute and those couple hours I waste every day on silly things like *eating* and *sleeping* and some such nonsense...

Sore, exhausted, annoyed by the gob of mascara in the corner of my left eye, bored from lack of work this rainy tired Friday evening... and yet, I'm still Happy!  Here's to success, and new challenges, and a good weekend for relaxing and reading!

Earthquakes and Loss of Self

Well, I experienced my first real earthquake yesterday, along with about half the East Coast... and I must say, if I never live through another one of those again I'd be okay with it. I've been pet-sitting with my sister Rosie, which is anything from driving to a house three times a day to feed a lady's two cats and clean up after them to our current client whose house we've been living in for four days. I don't mind this, as it's a really nice house with two German Shepherds, an extremely comfortable pillow-top mattress and a hot tub on the back porch. However, having only moved a few weeks ago it feels strange to be staying in a different house and I actually find myself feeling somewhat homesick these past two days...

When the earthquake hit, I was getting ready to make lunch I think, and Rosie was taking a nap with the dogs. My immediate thought was that something had crashed into the house, or that for whatever reason the house was collapsing. Rosie woke up of course, and we proceeded to freak out at each other, during which I said that I thought we were supposed to get into a doorway or something; unfortunately for me, the doorway right next to where I was standing had some pens, pencils and markers perched on the ledge for a white board in the kitchen, and these started falling down around me like hailstones...

It was all over in about a minute, but the shaking feeling in my bones lasted for much of the rest of the day as we both frantically tried to reach loved ones and found our cell phones to be useless, then tried to find the news station on the tv to figure out exactly what was happening. The biggest earthquake to hit Virginia in over a century, and I can't help but think that maybe I will never live in a place where events like this are commonplace (Sorry, California).

Classes were canceled for the evening at most of the area schools, including the one night class I'm taking with my sister and which I'd been looking forward to for days. We didn't find out about the school closing until about a minute before we ran out the door to head to class, so I was a bit miffed at the late notice and loss of activity. Add to that the email I received the day before which told me, after two weeks of waiting, that the job I'd been promised had actually been given to somebody else and they're so sorry and I was crushed... and you might see why I've been feeling a bit out of sorts since then.

I'm glad to be here with my sister, spending some quality time and getting to relax, watch tv, soak in the hot tub and hang out with the dogs who are really quite sweet. However, my feelings of failure and uselessness came to a head when I went to fill up my empty gas tank and spent the last ten bucks out of my bank account. That's when I switched into crisis mode, and I have yet to figure out how to get out of it. I feel a strange combination of restlessness and lethargy that has me alternately napping, overeating, playing stupid games on my iPhone and trying to search for more job applications, in addition to stopping by home to visit my parents and check the damage from the earthquake. It's been a little surreal, but I'm trying like hell to shake myself out of this strange inactive cycle and into one that includes job interviews and exercise and not feeling so sorry for myself. I've been drinking much more than usual, and not eating very healthily either (in the aftermath of the earthquake I think Rosie and I ate most of a box of chocolate chip cookies).

Not sure why I'm writing all this except I felt too restless to do much of anything else. I need to get off here and back to the applications, except that my resume is on MY computer and I'm looking at job listings here on Rosie's laptop so it doesn't really help unless I go home where I can complete an application online. I've got to find something soon, or I'm liable to go crazy with guilt and self-hatred because I've been out of work for 5 weeks, home for 4 and am now totally broke, and in absence of motivational energy I'm now running on sheer desperation. Please, somebody just give me a decent job so I can feel like less of a waste of space and burden on my family and friends!!

I kind of hope nobody reads this, because it's pathetic. Hopefully soon I'll have something better to write about, but for now I'd better shut up and go do something useful.

~me

Sustainable Living, courtesy of the public library =P

I really want to share this library book with several people because it's been so interesting and mind-stretching for me... but I will settle for posting a few of the best quotes from the introduction and then perhaps a commentary post later...

Simple Prosperity: Finding Real Wealth in a Sustainable Lifestyle

by David Wann

p.2: "is it really huge houses that we need, or a sense that we've accomplished something in our lives; that we've expressed who we are, and that our lives are large enough to include the people we love? There are more ways of meeting these needs. Is it a string of exotic vacations we need, or the realization that life is an adventure no matter where we are? We don't all have to be millionaires, but we do need creative challenges and a sense of purpose."

p.5-6: "When we choose real wealth, we can have things like healthy, great-tasting food; exciting hobbies and adventures; work that challenges and stimulates us; and spiritual connection with a universe that's so much larger than we are..."

p.9: "Currently, more money is being spent on breast implants and Viagra than on Alzheimer's research. So in the very near future there should be a large elderly population with impressive breasts and magnificent erections, but no recollection of what to do with them." -Sally Feldman

p.10: "Our economy is out of alignment with the values that make us feel grateful to be alive. Values such as health, relationships with people, connection with nature, satisfying work, a sense of purpose, abundance of personal time, and freedom of expression are the real wealth, far more valuable than money and mountains of manufactured stuff."

You guys should totally read this book! It's a lot more than just a conservationist talking about how we should all recycle and eat organic food - it's a real look at our consumer-driven culture and how we can modify our own lives to help save the environment and be overall happier, healthier and less stressed!

Unfinished

There is a strange phenomenon that takes place on the first true Spring evening of the year. The bright intense heat of the day has faded, but light remains in the air, though the hour grows later. Few wanderers are abroad at this time, most having been exhausted by the excited exuberance of the afternoon. Sounds and colors both seem muted, as though the air also rests from the day in languid immobility. The air is still pleasantly warm, a perfect climate for leisurely strolls out-of-doors, and yet this soul encounters few others on her journey. A small inclination of the head in friendly acknowledgement takes the place of casual greeting, none seeming willing to break the relaxed silence that has settled over the town. The vibrant and varied hues of sunset barely peep over the tops of tall buildings, and all else is shades of blue and grey.

This quiet calm, this easy comfortable evening passes slowly as I find my niche to pass the hours, a glass of wine on the table and pen in hand, poised for inspiration. And so we wait, as evening meanders quietly into twilight and smooth musical notes waltz around the perimeter of our awareness... This spring evening is one of solitude but not of loneliness. The quiet does not oppress or depress, it merely exists and drifts freely on a fluttering breeze that draws blossoms from the trees to spiral slowly to the earth in uneven circles. What a night to write! The pen in my hand seems to flow unbidden as the flower petals outside, words drifting to fall as they please across the page, unhindered by deadline or design.

As breezy evening passes into drowsy night, so do the words formulate in lazy circles across the page, being in no hurry to get to anywhere in particular. I take a break to have a bite to eat and the moment is lost, whisked away on that invisible breeze to unimaginable ends, where poetry waits to be found. I sit in profound silence, surrounded by the bustling business of socialization; the chatter of conversation, the clinking of glasses and plates, and the insistent persistent question in the eyes of my waitress... Um, check, please?

The Literate Mind

I find myself in the unique situation of being home alone, without my best friend or my boyfriend, for several weeks. This being the longest I have ever been alone in my own apartment, I am accepting the challenge of experiencing what living alone would be like.

It sucks.

I would rant about how much I hate this and how lonely I feel, but I am striving with all my strength to stay positive about this. I could say how I woke up in the middle of the night from a nightmare and felt very scared and alone in my cold dark empty house. Or how I subsequently overslept, was late for work, and increased the severity of the cold I've been failing to stave off for the past few days. I could ramble about the meals I've cooked, about how clean my kitchen is, or how I'm working to lower the electric bill by turning off all the lights except one and only heating one room (mine).

However, rather than explaining a whole pity-party of sad lonely depression (captured best by me with a glass of wine, watching Star Trek and then contemplating going to bed at 8pm because I couldn't think of anything better to do), I feel the need to focus on the POSITIVE experiences I'm creating for myself. For instance, after a long and exhausting day at work today, I crawled into bed to watch more Star Trek DVDs and eat way too many Doritos. Then, feeling lonely, pathetic, and bored, I contemplated taking a nap.

My best friend asked how I was doing via text message at that moment. After an abruptly-shortened rant where I realized how sad and pathetic I would sound and didn't want to diminish from the fun time he was having, he suggested that I start a new project. After thinking for awhile, and finishing my tv episode, I decided that I should get out of the house while it was still light outside. I contemplated going for a run, but a combination of laziness and concern for my own health (again, I've barely been staving off a nasty cold for several days, and the weather has been awfully unhelpful), I decided on a walk instead.

The walk downtown was surprisingly nice - it was chilly, but the sunlight was warm and cheering, and I took a few photos as I walked. At some time after leaving my house and before arriving downtown I became aware that I was heading towards the public library. Now, I had acquired a library card here some four or five years ago because a friend told me you could rent movies there overnight for free (this was when Blockbuster was still in business), but I don't believe I'd ever actually used the card. Well maybe once... I think.

I immediately wandered to the non-fiction section and began searching for interesting-sounding topics. Now, I'm not one for nonfiction, generally speaking. My bookshelves, bedside table and the pile next to the bedside table are a healthy majority of fantasy interspersed with some science fiction and a smattering of other fiction. However, since I already have all those topics covered I thought this might be a chance to broaden my horizons a little bit and give my brain the workout it's sorely been needing since I graduated college and quit using it.

On the walk home, I felt really good about myself and the small stack of new books under my arm. It's been years since I felt that sense of excitement about new books or actually chose to read something intellectually stimulating for FUN, and these four books on various political, religious and pop-culture topics are going to keep me very entertained and challenged over the next few weeks.

I'm excited about this, and I will post more as I see fit - hopefully, one or more of these books will spark some response or new line of thought that I can write about and share with you, so until then, wish me luck!

Musings of a Dispirited Retail Employee

As I was driving home from work yesterday, I was struck by the thought that there are certain types of music that just resonate within me for no reason I can easily identify. The CD I had playing in my car was a Matisyahu mix that was given to me recently, and something about the tone or the words or maybe the backbeat was just… right. Not in the way that pop music is so familiar you know all the words without even having to think – this was a track I hadn’t even heard until now. The best way I can describe the feeling is like when you’ve been outside on a cold day and then you come in and make a mug of hot cocoa; that first sip just warms you up and fills you with contentment that starts in the pit of your stomach and spreads out to your fingertips. The feeling I get from really good music is the same, except that it starts in your soul rather than your stomach, and this feeling can come from anything – from a song to a well-prepared meal to a sunset to a hug from someone you love.

Art, in its many forms, is one of the few things that makes our short lives on this earth worth living. [The other, perhaps, is Love – the deep connection between people that enriches our lives and assures us that we are not alone.] In a world where so many focus on war, on politics, on consumerist greed and the seeming ‘need’ to acquire STUFF with which to fill our lives, True Art reaches out and touches souls, and it can continue doing so long after the creator is gone from the world.

It sometimes depresses me how much of my time and energy is devoted to the earning and spending of money, and at times when I’m feeling particularly philosophical or depressed (fatalistic?) I smirk at the complete uselessness (I wish I had a better synonym… futility maybe?) of the whole system of consumerism, finances and “value” that we humans apply to every aspect of our lives. I guess it says something, at least, that many great works of art are assigned high monetary values and are coveted and collected by the wealthy. But I firmly believe that any person with a desire to enrich their lives and warm their souls should have free access to Art in its many forms, and not just the famous paintings and sculptures we see in public galleries. I’m talking about literature, music, poetry, film, video games (Yes, there can be art in a video game – but that’s a topic for another day), and anything else that reaches out and creates real connections between human souls, regardless of race, class, gender, or political affiliation. If a sunset touches your soul more than some paint on a canvas, then for God’s sake SHARE IT WITH SOMEBODY!! Life is too short to let these moments of Truth pass us by, and a life of pure materialism is hardly worth living at all.

This is by no means a complete list or guideline, but I feel I should follow my own advice here and share a few works of art that for one reason or another have recently touched my soul, and hope that maybe somebody reading this might get something out of the sharing.

Dead Island trailer: http://www.escapistmagazine.com/news/view/107826-Dead-Island-The-Best-Zombie-Game-Trailer-Ever

Matisyahu music video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kS9uTiEY9ag

“Baba Yetu” song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nb-jk6Ftx7o

In the end of our lives, what do we leave behind us that really matters? Take away all the money and the stuff and what you leave behind you are the connections you made, the people you loved, and – if you’re lucky – something of your own creation capable of teaching and enriching the lives of those who come after you. What else is there worth working towards, after allo? As they say, you can’t take it with you (unless you’re an Egyptian pharaoh, in which case your wealth, biography, possessions, pets and even servants might be entombed alongside you to rot beneath the earth and keep your bones company). But we can’t all be pharaohs.

P.S. I recognize that those who cannot or would not be artists often aspire to other things – mainly to helping others, whether through teaching, volunteer work, facilitating our life functions through the development of technology, the creation of consumer products or food, by raising children to enrich the population with our own legacy)… and I am by no means belittling these other choices / occupations / activities. This is merely a rant on the desire to become an artist in order to do one meaningful thing with my life, and an expression of my disappointment in myself for being unable / unwilling to try to do that yet, of all the time I’ve wasted so far and how much more there is still to do.

Autumn Unmasked - a poem

When the last vestiges of heavy summer

have fled from the hills and fields

and old leaves litter the ground

like the ashes of a great bonfire

When the tree’s last lingering leaves

cling desperately to its deadened boughs

rustling in the crisp cool autumn air

until the wind plucks them from their perch

and they wander slowly towards the earth

when brisk and cloudy mornings give way

to dreary nights of cold dark drizzle

and the trees are bent over in shadow

like aged men full of pain

yet the hearts of the trees are glad

and they sing under the grey formless clouds

the fiery foliage mourns not

for summers gone by

nor for springtime, full of birth and blooming

the rustle and crunch of leaves underfoot

holds rather an air of whispered excitement

the chill breeze full of hope and promise

and all nature stands in awe

of Mother’s bravery and insight

for she knows all too well

the danger of clinging to summer greens

until the last flower has wilted and died

and things that once were fair and pure

wither and rot in the moist heat of afternoon sun

Rather she casts down the living stems

at the peak of their life and luster

painting them gold and orange and red

as a proud testimony to her power and might

and the trees are not afraid

in anxious anticipation they wait

sleeping under their cold white blankets

hiding their excitement from the world

until Mother says the time is right

for flowers to push up from damp earth

and young green leaves to sprout

in new and varied forms and colors

forgetting not the joys of past years

but starting fresh from the very beginning

building on old hopes and dreams

until all the earth is green with life again

and Sun smiles down on their joyous bounty

The night stars sparkle like smiling eyes.

Hence the wisdom of Mother Nature is shown

not in her steadfast longevity

but in the wisdom of change

which allows for rebirth and growth

a clean slate for every year

on which new hopes can truly bloom

and old doubts and fears are cast away,

fading into twilight and a new dawn.

Welcome to the Circus

Sometimes, in life, we find ourselves following a swift and narrow path towards a hazy goal. Obstacles block the way, roots threaten to trip our weary feet, and yet we keep our eyes focused so closely on the necessity of not straying from that path that we forget. We forget to look up at the goals in front of us and to check our progress towards them. We forget to look to either side for easier or straighter paths, too caught up in the difficulty of following the set plan to completion.

When we find a moment to catch our collective breath, we can't help but wonder: have we missed something important along the way? Are we sure this is the correct path? Mightn't there be an easier or safer way to travel? Do we have all the supplies we need to reach our destination? What exactly IS our destination, and are we sure it's where we want to be?

Along this path of life there are many choices, many branches of the trail. There is no set path, no straight line to that fabled destination. There may not even BE a destination - the path might run in a loop or drift off into the wilderness to peter out until we are so lost and alone that we never find our way back to civilization. Or there may be a broad level path lined in brightly shining lanterns that we've been so preoccupied we didn't even NOTICE when we passed it by. But how can we know? There's no going back, no retracing of our steps. The only thing to be done is to keep on moving forward, and to face each challenge and choice as it comes along. All we can hope is that we occasionally remember to stop and look around, look ahead, or even look up at the stars in the sky... if only for a moment.

...Maybe someday, somehow, we'll find that it is indeed possible to step off that path into the woods, to forge a new path in a new direction without the paralysis of danger that comes from facing our innermost fears.

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Alternate blog post:

You're riding a unicycle. On a tightrope. The spotlight is shining in your eyes as you furiously blink away tears of sweat and you have only one chance to survive this thing - to keep your eyes on the wire, to focus all your energy and commitment and sense of balance on the chance of riding this thing through to its conclusion. OR, you can take that leap of faith and trust there really is a net strung up beneath the wire, waiting to catch you as you fall. Trusting the net not only to really be there but to be strong enough and soft enough to save you from your folly. Sure, the audience will be disappointed; but it's better than breaking your neck, right? And if only you weren't so busy focusing on the decision, maybe you would have noticed the trapeze artists waiting in the wings to catch you, or the jugglers on the platform, holding a rope and a safety harness. Maybe they were just figments of your imagination, or maybe they were meant to save you... it's impossible to know for sure, because you got yourself into this mess and you're so determined to get yourself out that you've blinded yourself to any other possibilities out of necessity. So go ahead - make your choice. The death-defying stunt, or the free-fall into safety?

A Treatise on Gaming

I have been eating up fantasy books like they were candy since my brother first introduced me to Tolkien’s The Hobbit when I was in second grade. I love how a good book seems to transport you from your living room couch or car seat into the wonderful realm of possibility – where magic and valor really exist and problems are big and evil and tangible – something that can be overcome by bravery and strategy and war.. where you can rest assured that the hero will win out in the end, that all his struggles will be worth it, that good will triumph over evil and karma will win out…

I recently posted a very lengthy comment (read: essay) in response to a post on my best friend’s blog about video games, stories, real-life adventures, and romance. You can read the post, and subsequent comments, here: www.thepeninthestone.blogspot.com. It’s really worth the read, and might give some insight as to what prompted me to write this evening.

Said friend (hereafter referred to as Big Brother, because that’s the role he most often plays in my life) posed the thesis that the Creation and Sharing of Stories – whether real or imagined – whether through writing, art music, video games, or better yet actually bringing a friend or loved one along on a real journey/adventure – is the quintessential point and purpose of a life well-lived. I happen to agree with him, but it got me thinking about my own approach to life and my relationship with video games.

I feel that I have always approached reading – and gaming – as an escape from real life. Books give you the chance to step outside of yourself, into another world and into someone else’s head. It’s the same with a good movie, a piece of art, even some of the more engaging musical pieces. But in video games, especially a good open-world RPG like Oblivion (click here), Fallout 3 (click me), or The Lord of the Rings Online (click click click), you create an alternate fantasy version of yourself with which to explore and conquer, with your choice of skills, combat preferences, magical powers, and the freedom to explore the world however you choose to. You can be an evil character, stealing and killing and wantonly blowing up whatever you damn well please with a rocket launcher (Fallout 3). Or, you can ignore the quest system entirely and just meander about picking wildflowers and watching the sun rise and set in various beautifully presented locations, all while enjoying the epic in-game soundtrack (Oblivion). You can put your heart and soul into following the storyline, exploring every sub-plot and achieving every optional deed, side-quest or item collection just for the sake of thorough exploration, and consider carefully the moral implications of your main character’s choices (this is usually how Brother approaches these games). It’s all up to you, and since none of these decisions have real-life consequences, there’s a wonderful feeling of freedom in that choice.

In Dragon Quest IX for the Nintendo DS, you can create and customize each member of your party with any number of classes, skill sets and equipment. Basically, you not only make a Fantasy You to be the main character, but also a Fantasy Best Friend / Boyfriend / Girlfriend / Brother / Sister group to keep you company, help you out in battle, or provide free healing. Then you and your little group of Fantasy Friends go out into the world to battle evil and save the world. It’s like The Sims, except instead of worrying about eating, sleeping and pooping before your little Sim head explodes into a billion pieces of STUPID in a super-non-realistic time-based life where it takes an hour to pee but half a second to change clothes and get to work, in this game you’re fighting goofy little monsters, finding treasure and chatting with kings, queens, princesses and weird villains.

I’ve spent much of my free time in the past few weeks immersing myself once again in The Lord of the Rings Online, along with Brother. Along with being a wonderful showcase for my nerdy early-life obsession with this series, it’s a chance for me to actually run around in Middle-Earth as an elf or a hobbit, interact with my favorite characters and generally be a huge happy dork. But that’s beside the point. It’s interesting to note the differences in my play style from Brother’s. While he has been chasing along after every annoying little quest where you have to run back and forth across the Shire delivering the mail or carrying pies (don’t ask), I’ve been meandering about the world killing monsters, picking up a quest or two wherever I see fit, and enjoying the hell out of the crafting professions, often creating items I don’t need just for the sake of creating them and then either giving them away to other gamers or sending them to Brother. I’ve avoided the entire “Auction House” part of the game, where you can bid on or sell items to other players or ‘play the market’ like brother by setting good prices and making a bundle of gold coins off of your crafted items, re-selling items posted by other players, or selling crafting ingredients for the less patient players.

I didn’t understand at first why this part of the game annoyed me so much, or why I chose not to get involved and would much rather just give away items and be poor, or ask Brother to send my characters some gold when I needed to buy something. But I finally figured it out yesterday: it’s because in real life, I spend way too much of my time organizing spreadsheets, keeping track of all the bills, worrying about how to pay for them, trying to sell things on eBay to make some extra cash, and collecting receipts from every grocery store purchase and tank of gas to keep tabs on my stupid always-almost-empty bank account. In my ultimate fantasy world, why would I want my character to have to deal with all that money crap?

The overall point, here, is that when we can put ourselves INTO the story, especially in a really engaging fantasy world like that of the games mentioned above, we often make the choices we wish we could make in real life. I give my character magical powers, I run around exploring the world because in real life I’m kind of stuck in this small college town where my work is and can’t afford to travel much. I leave my worries behind and just have FUN, and where’s the harm in that? I’m not one of those stereotypes who gets so involved in a game that I forget to eat or sleep or go to work. Granted, I’ve occasionally stayed up too late playing and been tired at work the next day. But sometimes you just have to admit that any amount of personal happiness is more important than being well-rested while you’re at a job you don’t particularly care for.

The thing that got me thinking about Brother’s blog post was how much he believes that video games and other stories don’t just entertain, but inspire you to go out and find those real-life adventures we all wish we could have. In my response to this I went on a rant about how even though money may not buy happiness, it sure as hell makes it a lot easier to find, giving you the freedom to travel and try new activities. But the important thing here is that games don’t have to be just games. They can translate to real life in that they showcase for us the things we wish we could do, and a confident and strong person will take from that the desire and actual WILL to go out and DO something about it. Whether that thing is getting a better job so they can actually afford to do some traveling, or whether it’s something small like going hiking or trying karaoke, the main thing is to actually go out there and TRY – to let your adventuresome spirit actually stretch its little legs and grow out of the pure fantasy realm into something that can enter the real world. This is what I really strive for, and Brother has helped me to see that it is possible.

I want to travel. A lot. For long stretches of time. Across all different parts of Europe, up into the mountains of Switzerland, to the sites in New Zealand where the LOTR movies were filmed, to Australia and Hawaii and Japan. I want to ride in a hot air balloon, to ice-skate on a frozen lake, to watch the sun set on the ocean (west coast location required for that one or I would have done it already). I want to go dancing and snorkeling and spend an afternoon just walking along the beach to see where it goes. I want to hike up a mountain with friends just to see the view from the top. I want to take a road trip out to California, spending a few weeks just stopping wherever whim takes me and chronicling the voyage in a scrapbook just because. But all of these things require gas money and plane ticket money and time off of work and money to pay for food and hotels and souvenirs and postcards…

So I try to content myself for the time being with being a little hobbit in Middle-Earth, with my bow and arrows and hand-crafted armor, riding around on a special horse I had to earn by completing many quests and winning a horse-race (I’m afraid of horses in real life). With my Elf rune-keeper, the magic-wielding badass woman who fries enemies with a strike of lightning. With my human guardian, who runs right into the fray with her sword and shield, getting the enemy’s attention and showing no fear as she bravely defends her friends from harm. And I watch the sun set from the top of a mountain on my computer screen, and jump off a waterfall just to see how far it is to the bottom. But I know now that these fantasy adventures will not be enough for me; that there are real-life adventures out there waiting for me, if I can just find the means and the motivation to chase after them. And, you know, a couple days off of work wouldn’t hurt either =\

It's a new year - what now?

Happy New Year and welcome to my new blog! I'm really not sure yet what I'm going to use this for, so the first several posts here are likely to be a jumble of writing endeavors and train-of-thought writing. That being said, please feel free to read, comment, start up a conversation, or ask me any questions / offer suggestions / etc etc.

I somehow managed to implement a New Year's Resolution already this year without meaning to do so or taking the time to sit down and consider the idea of resolut-ing... or making a list... or any of those things people do for the new year. My resolution this year is: Honesty. I am going to try my best to be more honest, both with myself and with all the people I care about. Some of you may already have seen this practice in action, and if I've taken you by surprise then I apologize; but know that I intend to continue this trend as long as I can reasonably keep it up.

I feel like we, as a people, waste so much of our precious time and energy hiding from the truth or trying to disguise it, when we could be exploring all that life has to offer. Well I'm tired of hiding, tired of pretending, tired of only showing the 'most attractive' sides of myself and of every crazy situation that comes up. It's time to GET REAL, PEOPLE! Time to look at the world and say, "you know what? This is me - this is who I am. Take it or leave it because I'm not going to change for you."

My name is Kathleen. I'm a 23-year-old (extremely unorthodox) Jewish college grad who works in retail but dreams of being a published writer. I'm broke and I've made some big mistakes with regards to my finances in the past two years since getting out of college, but I'm finally admitting those mistakes and taking steps to correct them. I mostly hate my job, I don't get out much, but I love spending time with my best friends whenever I get the chance. I'm just starting to get to know certain members of my immediate family better after years of feeling split between my 'at home' and 'on my own' personas.

I'm a huge nerd. I used to hang out in the band room at school. I love video games and fantasy and sci-fi books. I like anime, martial arts movies, Star Trek (Next Gen mostly), Lord of the Rings, online gaming, graphic novels and board games. All of the employees at the GameStop store in the mall know me by sight and know my gaming preferences. I've probably spent twenty times more of my time in the past year gaming than I have exercising, and it's definitely starting to show. And I don't really plan on changing that any time soon either.

I love animals, especially dogs. I'm not a good swimmer and I'm somewhat afraid of the ocean. I've been to Italy and Paris and Israel and I want to travel a whole lot more when I can afford to. I play the saxophone and a bit of piano, and I've been a dancer since I was three years old, though not so much in the past two years. I wish my aunts and uncles and cousins didn't live so far away, and I hate not having real vacations now that I have a real job.

I own my own rollerblades but I'm awful at skating. I call myself a non-drinker but on the occasion that I make an exception it's usually to have a bit too much. I regulate my speed on the highway but drive WAY too fast around town, usually when I'm late for work. I own a car but wouldn't begin to know how to check the oil, or change a flat tire. I believe that friendship, family and discovery/adventure are the most important things in the world, and nothing can convince me that Money has an equal standing in terms of importance.

So this is just a snapshot of who I am today; at times, I feel like a contradiction in terms, a hypocrite making fun of hypocrites, a hypochondriac and a claustrophobic and a grandiloquent windbag just talking for the sake of talking. But THIS IS ME. TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT, BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO CHANGE WHO I AM FOR YOUR BENEFIT.

Happy New Year. Now start a conversation with somebody!

"Perpetual Motion"

Tired feet carry me out the front door

down the steps not looking back

words, words, words

I’m drowning in a sea of words

pounding, rushing sound

looking for clarity I flee

shut out the noise, make it stop

the thunderous pondering quiets somewhat

I walk a little bit faster

leafy green trees go by in a blur

lines in the sidewalk trip by one by one

left then right, I can’t stop now

brick buildings, sign posts and lights

warm sounds drift from open doors

but I pass them by, I cannot stop

farther and further I wander

looking for something I don’t know

flexing fingers clench tight into fists

keep them from moving, from typing

securely shoved in the pockets of a ratty old sweatshirt

I plod on, with downcast eye

watching the lines in the sidewalk run on

into the distance, where do they stop?

When there is no more sidewalk I turn

perpetual motion keeps my feet moving

as long as I keep going I don’t have to think

the maelstrom in my head can’t catch me

I begin to jog slowly, then to run

Deep, raking breaths of cool air

sends stabbing pains up through my chest

the pain is exhilarating

I don’t want it to stop

Lost in the suburbs

Nobody knows where I am

I wonder if they’ll worry

nobody will even notice I’m gone

and yet somehow I’ve turned around

heading home, back to the storm

back to the reality of responsibility

I can’t escape, and it’ll never stop.

"Clouds," a Short Story

I’m not sure what made me do it, but as I was zooming down the highway I saw a sign that said “Boulder Loop Trail Parking” with an arrow, and next thing I knew I was pulling into the lot and shutting off the engine. I got out of the car, taking a quick look in the back to see if I happened to have anything you’d normally take on a hike – water bottle? Camera? Anything to eat? Nope, nope, and nothing but a half a bag of chips, which I grabbed and threw in my backpack.

I had been here before, when I was much younger. I remember it having a great view and hoped the exercise would calm me down better than my reckless driving, while having the added bonus of not getting me killed or pulled over for speeding. Shouldering the bag, I stooped down to tie my shoes a little tighter then trucked off down the path, not even stopping to check the time or how long the trail was supposed to be.

An hour later, I was still crashing along at quite a good pace and hadn’t stopped more than just a minute to catch my breath here and there. The path was deserted – there wasn’t a sound except the rustling of the trees and my labored breathing. I thought to myself that I must have been in much better shape when I last came up this way, since my legs were aching from the steep climb and I’d already twisted my ankle on the tumbled rocks and roots that covered every inch of the path.

The whole climb seemed to zoom by in a blur of greenery and rocks, until suddenly there I was, standing on top of the lookout point, fuming. I had expected to feel calmer, I guess. The memory of happiness and serenity from this place was almost palpable, and yet, exhaustion aside, the mixture of sweat and adrenaline had my heart pounding so that my anger seemed to burn out from inside of me in waves of heat. Instead of being calmer, I’d actually managed to make myself even more upset by climbing all the way up here, and now that I was at the top there was nowhere else for me to go.

I sat down heavily, heaving my backpack onto the rock next to me and staring glumly out at the mountains. There wasn’t a building or man-made structure anywhere to be seen, and yet everywhere I looked I just saw his stupid face. It made me want to scream! I glanced around and found a large-ish rock, which I picked up and weighed in one hand. Then, standing awkwardly (the twisted ankle seemed to be throbbing but at the moment I didn’t really care), I walked to the edge and hurled it as hard as I could off the side of the mountain with a little yell.

I waited. I don’t know what I was expecting – a big crash at the bottom? But nothing happened, and the sheer futility of it all just broke my frustration into shards which seemed to cut right through me like glass. I sat back down, wincing as the ankle turned sideways, and started to cry.

I heard him coming up the path before I saw him – a blonde boy about my age, with really pale skin and freckles covering the whole bridge of his nose. He walked right to the edge and stood there looking out over the scene as though he hadn’t seen or heard me, even though I was sitting right there sniffling stupidly into my hands.

He waited until I had myself somewhat under control before coming over and sitting down a few feet away from me.

“Hi. My name’s Cory. Are you here alone?”

“Kerri. And yeah, I just felt like going for a walk.” I rubbed some tears off my face, embarrassed, and turned to get a good look at him. He was tall and skinny with messy dirty-blonde hair, wearing a baggy faded t-shirt and jeans that fitted him well. He didn’t seem out of breath or tired at all – in fact, he might as well have just gotten up off the couch for how casually he sat there. I wasn’t about to tell some stranger why I ran off into the woods in the middle of the afternoon, though, so I went back to looking out over the edge of the rocks, trying my best to stop my stupid sniffling and act like nothing was out of the ordinary.

“It may be none of my business, but it looks like you may have sprained your ankle there. Are you sure you’re okay?”

I wanted to slap him, to tell him it was none of his damn business and to leave me alone, but when I looked at him again there was something in his pale blue eyes that seemed so sad that I forgot what I was about to say and just gaped at him.

“I like to come up here,” he told me. “Something about this view always brings back good memories, and it’s nice to get away from things sometimes. Don’t you agree?” I nodded, still unable to think of anything to say.

“This is the best time of day to be up here too,” he went on. “You can’t beat this view, and the sun’s had all day to warm up the rocks so you can just lie back and watch the clouds go by as long as you want without getting cold.” He proceeded to stretch out on his back, folding his hands behind his head and gazing unconcernedly up at the clear blue sky. I stared at him for a minute, then shrugged and lay down next to him on the smooth rock.

I don’t know how long we lay there, not saying anything, but the clouds had all blown over and the beating sunlight was starting to get hot when I suddenly sat up, feeling like a kettle about to boil over. All at once it just bubbled up out of me, the words and feelings that I’d been fighting all day. I gushed all my problems to Cory, and he just sat there, watching me and smiling in a way that made me feel as though this was what he’d been patiently waiting for all afternoon.

I told him about my ex-boyfriend and what a jerk he was and the stupid fight we’d had over and over and how it felt when I finally hit him in the face. I told him how alone I felt, and how I had nobody to talk to, and what a miserable loser I was. I told him everything, and he just sat there smiling that sad smile and watching me with those blue eyes as I cried and complained and yelled until finally everything was out in the open. And then I just sat there, sniffling and feeling like a sponge that’s had every last drop of water squeezed out of it.

“Do you feel better now?” he asked after a minute of silence. “I could tell that something was really bothering you, but didn’t want to ask until you were ready.” Those blue eyes just kept looking at me, as though he could see right through my crying face to everything I was thinking and feeling.

“I feel… quieter, I guess. Not as angry,” I admitted, and found myself smiling just a little bit.

“Bottling all that up can really do that to you, you know. Are you sure you’re okay? How’s your ankle?”

“It’s… better, I guess. I feel better,” I answered, unsure what to say.

“Well, it sounds to me like you’re better off without that guy. He seems like a real jerk,” Cory said matter-of-factly. “Now you’re free to do what YOU want to do, like come hiking up here. You deserve to be happy. And you should smile more; you’ve got a really pretty smile, you know.”

I blushed, despite my splotchy tear-stained face. I don’t know who this guy was, but just the fact that he was willing to sit here and listen to all my problems without judging me or interrupting made a world of difference.

I looked back out at the view and was surprised to see how late it had gotten; it was definitely past dinnertime, and I hadn’t had a bite to eat all day. I rummaged in my pack and pulled out the bag of chips.

“You want some of these?” I asked, holding the open bag out towards my new friend.

“No, thanks. I’m not hungry,” he said, and there was something in his tone that made me wonder if he thought I was being funny. I shook my head and started eating the chips, feeling suddenly ravenous. When they were all gone, I wiped my hands on my jeans and just sat there with Cory, watching the patterns of the sunlight as it passed over the mountains and changed the trees from bright golden green to a hazy sort of bluish color, like a still lake in the summertime. I suddenly realized it was time to go.

“So listen… it’s getting kind of late…” I started, and turned to see that Cory was already on his feet and heading off towards the path. He turned and beckoned to me, grinning.

“Come on, slow poke.” He laughed, and I found myself grinning and hopping up to follow him, slinging the backpack over my shoulder. My ankle didn’t even hurt anymore, and I felt strangely energized after the potato chips.

We chatted and laughed all the way down the path, until at one point we stopped to peek out over a smaller overlook that I had completely failed to notice on my way up here. He pulled me up onto the rock after him and we gazed out at the sun, which was just beginning to set over the mountains. Unexpectedly, Cory took both my hands in his and looked right into my eyes with his big blue ones. His hands were cold, and I shivered a little at his touch.

“Kerri. Listen to me,” he said earnestly. “Don’t you ever let anybody make you feel worthless, okay? You’re a really smart, cute girl who’s got so many experiences to look forward to in life. Enjoy them, okay? For me.” I just nodded, wondering where all this was coming from. “I’ve got to go now,” he added, looking back over his shoulder. He released my hands then and just turned and walked back into the trees.

I stood there a minute or two longer, watching the sun set and wondering who this boy was and where he came from; but when I got back to the path, I saw no sign of him anywhere. Slowly making my way back down the mountain, I thought over the events of the day and found myself feeling really good about my decision to come up here. After all, how often to I have a day free to just go for a hike? And Cory, wherever he went, made me feel a whole lot better about the whole breakup thing. If I caught up to him at the bottom of the trail, I found myself thinking with a little smile, maybe I’d just give him my phone number.

On the way back down the mountain, I found myself noticing a lot of things I hadn’t seen before – a chipmunk, perched on a rock just off to the right of the path, looked up from his acorn at me but didn’t run away. There was a little stream running parallel to the path for awhile, and where it crossed over I stopped to splash through the cold water, getting my sneakers soaking wet. I noticed also that there were a lot of different kinds of trees, and that their leaves made different rustling sounds when the breeze caught them if you were quiet enough to hear it.

By the time I got back to my car it was getting pretty dark, and I tossed my pack on the backseat, ready to head home and thinking that it had turned out to be a pretty good day after all. There was nobody else in the lot, so I guess Cory had already gone home. Come to think of it, I hadn’t seen any other cars when I got here either… just a coincidence that he happened to get here while I was hiking then, I suppose.

As I was pulling out of the parking lot, I noticed a sign by the trail entrance that I hadn’t seen before. I pulled up next to it and rolled down the window. It was a little plaque, carved out of wood and dated, that read:

“In memory of Cory Smith, writer and adventurer, who was tragically lost in the 1996 rockslide while hiking this path with his sister.” There was a bunch of pink roses sitting on top of the plaque, and they looked new. I looked around again, but didn’t see anybody.

“Cory?” I said aloud, to nobody in particular. Then I rolled up the window, turned back onto the highway and headed for home, wondering just what had happened up on that mountaintop and feeling very lucky indeed.

Blogging Inspiration, Take One

So, it seems as though blogging is really a "thing to do" now, and of course that means I want to test out the waters for myself... I really have no idea what I want to use this for, but for right now I'm going to post some poetry and a recently-written short story to sort of get the ball rolling, and then maybe get on to some serious writing later. If you like what you see, please comment! Okay, let's see how this goes...