Today could very well be the day that determines everything, yet I find it hard to get too worked up until I know for certain. I don't want to delve into probabilities or statistics, or examine too closely the various options until I know which one is the truth. All I can do is maintain my calm and focus on work until I know for certain, and then move forward with the information at hand.
This morning, Joey went in to the Cancer Center for his second PET scan. This scan will determine the extent to which the chemotherapy has been working - either the tumors will be gone or nearly gone, in which case the prescribed treatment schedule could cure him completely; or the tumors will be somewhat diminished, in which case extra treatments or additional therapies might be needed to achieve that result; or - and this is the one I can't contemplate too closely - the tumors will have made no change (or grown more o_0) in which case.... I don't know what will happen.
I feel like for the most part I have been doing better about this whole thing in the past week or two. I am back on track at work, being productive and getting assignments done again. I have been sleeping... okay. Better than before, I suppose. I have been exercising and working towards that goal of running the 5K in just a few weeks. So far my best has been a 2 mile trek, alternating running and walking each quarter mile, which took me about 28 minutes. At that pace, I could finish the 5K in 43 minutes, which I think is probably pretty decent. I think I might even be able to do better, if I keep up with my training.
I spent my first full week in my apartment alone. Yes, I did visit Joey on two separate evenings, but I spent every night at my apartment alone, cooked for myself, cleaned and organized, watched tv, and generally kept myself fairly busy. It wasn't terrible. Towards the end of the week I started to feel the familiar lonely / bored / I-don't-know-what-to-do-with-myself-and-I-hate-this feeling, whereupon I had a glass of wine and went to bed early wishing I wasn't alone. But I got through it, I didn't weep or rage or do anything especially impulsive or crazy.
It has been six weeks since the diagnosis, six weeks of living on my own, and I still feel like I'm living in Limbo. I wonder if finding out the test results today (or later this week if they take awhile to process) will change that. Once we know, once the plan is sure, will I feel relief? Will a burden of stress be lifted from my shoulders, or will I feel pretty much the same? It's entirely impossible to tell at present.
And so we wait, and we work, and we wonder. Life goes on, one way or the other. But we hope and pray and cross fingers for one option over the other, and silently cry out in frustration at the waiting. But only silently.
Leave some thoughts below, if you would. I'm not feeling particularly eloquent today, but it has been too long since my last post and I don't wish to lose momentum on writing. Thank you for reading.
-Leenie
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