Hi there, dear readers. I just wanted to take a moment to thank you for sharing in this journey of self-discovery with me. It's been a pretty bumpy road lately, and probably will continue to be so for some time yet, so thank you again in advance for sticking by me. Some of you are friends of Joey's who have come over from his blog, and for that faith I thank you. Some of you are my family members, with whom I have not traditionally shared such soul-searching monologues, and for being here now and reading this I thank you. And then of course there are my closest confidantes, who know a lot of what goes through my head on a daily basis but yet who read this anyway to show their support of my writing attempts, and for that I wholeheartedly thank you as well.
A few things have come to my mind in the past 24 hours. I've been rather mopey and seemingly depressed for the past several days, and feeling like nothing was likely to get better anytime soon. Watching my best friend draw strength from his support system and his innate positivity and feeling unable to do the same has left me rather frustrated and lonely, but I did not wish to burden him with my self-doubt. I felt lost, and alone, even though I kept reaching out to those around me.
But I've realized a few things. One is that I'm not afraid to live alone. I don't *love* it, I don't even really like it that much right now, but at the end of the day I'm not afraid to go home to my apartment, make myself something to eat, sleep in the big empty quiet room, or get ready for work in the morning. In the past, being home alone (when my roommates or parents were out of town or gone for the night) had always kind of spooked me, and a dark and empty house had always been slightly unnerving. But for whatever reason, maybe because I feel safe in my own place, maybe because I'm just so exhausted that I don't have energy to spare for silly fears, or maybe because all this talk of Cancer and Chemotherapy scared me so much more than the idea of just being alone, that I don't really mind it all that much, most of the time. And I hadn't even noticed this big change until last night.
True, I spend a lot more time out of the house than I used to. But when I lived with my best friend and didn't have too many other friends in the area (or any money to go out) it made sense to stay in almost every night. Now that I live alone, I spend a lot more time going out to see friends or family or my boyfriend. I probably need to get used to spending some evenings at home, but that will come in time as everyone gets used to Joey's Chemotherapy cycles, as I get more settled in to my new place and it starts feeling more "home"-ey. As it is I don't feel like spending much time hanging out there because I'd rather be with people than doing nothing at home, but that's not necessarily so unhealthy in my present state.
Another thing I've noticed is that it's actually kind of nice to make my own meals, occasionally. Since I'm currently having some financial setbacks, I've still been mooching off my friends for a lot of dinners, but when I am home I don't mind heating up whatever combination of things out of my fridge sounds tasty and edible. I don't have to conform to anyone else's expectations of what goes in the meal, don't have to worry about what anyone else doesn't like or prefer in their pasta sauce or on their sandwich. It's just what I want, and once I have some grocery money and start actually stocking my own fridge, I only have to stock it with things that I want and need to eat - it's kind of liberating in a way. Though I still love cooking meals for others, and recently made an awesome dinner for Joey and his parents, I think this is something I will have to work on and explore further (after payday anyway) as I get used to the apartment (and when my stove gets fixed and I find a microwave).
The third thing I've realized is that I'm not really afraid of Joey's cancer, or the treatments. His positivity and confidence, and the confidence I've had in the complete competence and caring of his treatment team has removed any doubt that something unexpected will come up that can't be handled. We don't know what the future holds, but he is in the best hands he could be, in the best mindset he could be, and he has so much support from all sides that I know everything will turn out as well as it possibly could in that regard.
What is still bothering me was a silent mental response to something I keep hearing Joey tell his audience: that, except for that silly Cancer thing, his life is now BETTER in every respect. He's found purpose, positivity, understanding and support that he never had before. I admire and respect that, and I'm so glad to see him growing and changing in these ways that I could never have helped him achieve before. It's why I know he's going to be okay, no matter what.
The silent retort that I didn't want to voice in front of people because of it's self-centered and somewhat shameful nature, is that *my* life is NOT better because of this. I don't have that purpose, that sense of what I should be doing, that unflinching wall of support at my back. What I do have is the potential to make it better. Better than it would have been otherwise, if we had continued on our merry way with our financial problems and our lack of socialization and our lurking depression. I have a chance, an opportunity, to push my life towards the sort of purpose that Joey is sharing with everyone around him, but I need to do it on my own. I CANNOT ask him to help me, as that would be unfair and would possibly lessen the importance of what I am trying to accomplish.
My own future is out there somewhere, and I don't know what it is yet. At times it seems terrifying, daunting and unreachable. At times I'm just too exhausted, too worn down from stress and financial concerns and worries that I don't want to proceed or know where to go next. But it's out there all the same, waiting for me to get used to the new burdens, the new situation, and to keep taking baby steps in its direction.
I realized that I'm not failing, not yet. I'm just moving very slowly towards an unclear goal. But the above realizations show that I have taken at least a few of those small steps, and while there are still miles to go, I'm not lying inert on the ground. I'm still moving, still standing, still searching for a path...
Thank you for listening. As always, please comment below so I know who was here. And feel free to go and visit Joey as well, http://perspectiveodysseum.blogspot.com. I believe he is writing a new post today as well. Love you all <3
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