Stop asking if you don't want to know

Have you ever noticed that the simple question "how are you?" doesn't mean at all what it seems to?  I would say about 95% of the time, the person asking how you are just wants you to say "Fine." and go on about their day.  The only seemingly acceptable response, a polite "I'm good, how are you?" is so expected that sometimes they don't even wait for the response but simply wave and keep on going.  They might as well have not bothered to ask at all.

Sorry for the mini-rant, but the crux of the matter for me is, I'm NOT fine.  And when the only interaction I have during my day is by people asking how I am and expecting a non-answer, it is difficult not to get frustrated.  Here's a sample conversation to illustrate my point:

  Other person: "Hey, how are you?"

  Me: "Oh, not so great.  Here's what's going on-"

  Other person: *oh jeez she actually wants to talk about stuff, I was just being polite, now I have to smile and nod and say 'oh I'm sorry to hear that' for awhile before I can get away*

  Me: *feels sheepish, trails off vaguely and keeps on walking*

At a time when I'm feeling lonely and need people to talk to, this sort of thing is just starting to get on my nerves.  If you want to know how I am, ask me how I am.  AND THEN LISTEN TO THE ANSWER.  If you don't want to know, why ask?

Okay, all irritation aside.... *takes slow, deep breath*... I'm not here to yell at my cyber-audience, it's just been a really trying few days with nobody to talk to all day at work and my motivation to be super-productive in the deserted office building continually dwindling despite my guilt at being so far behind on several required tasks.  All right then, I think I'm calm now.

To be completely truthful, I think I am doing better.  Better than last week, anyway.  I'm not weeping in my office, moaning about and shuffling like a zombie.  I'm not afraid to sleep alone in my new apartment.  The furniture and kitchen are starting to have some semblance of order to them.  I don't feel the dual compulsion to both call Joey crying and whining about how hard this is, and the equally powerful force telling me that's not fair and I should leave him out of it and deal with my own stuff myself.

I owe a large part of this newfound sense of calm to my amazing boyfriend.  I don't know how he'd feel about being written about in a public forum, so I will simply say that he has been there for countless weepy and sniffly and frustrated moments, has stood by me and listened to me and made sure I had dinner and helped me regain my sanity.  He made me laugh, and smile, and took me out on a proper date to a nice restaurant last night just because he thought I needed it and it had been awhile since we did anything other than reheat leftovers and watch tv (besides attending the various family social functions of the past few weeks).

I have transitioned from feeling helpless during my visits and expending energy trying not to be weepy, to simply feeling sort of normal and able to 'hang out' with Joey and his family.  I'm going over tonight, as a matter of fact, to cook one of our favorite dishes for dinner with the help of his awesome cousin Ayla.  Ayla has a passion for cooking that rivals if not far outstrips my own, so with her help we should have a delicious evening ahead of us!

However, despite my seeming improvements, I feel somewhat... disconnected.  I've been spending so much time reaching out - to my family, to my blog readers, to various coworkers with whom I can actually talk about how things are going... I even took an unplanned vacation day to drive up north and visit my two best friends from high school, simply to catch up and reconnect with them during the limited time they were in town before leaving for various far-away lands.  I've talked to old friends and new friends, I've talked to Joey, I've talked to my boyfriend... and yet, possibly because of all the students having left campus for the summer and my boss being on vacation this week, my daily life seems very quiet and somewhat lonesome lately.  The other issue is that I seem to be working increasingly slowly, accomplishing far less in an average workday than I am accustomed to, and still have ZERO motivation to finish setting up my apartment or get back onto a normal routine (which includes working out at the gym, actually making my own lunch and dinner, grocery shopping, laundry, etc.)

I have no energy.  I have been tired every day for several weeks, no matter how much sleep I do or don't get.  I've been eating junk (whatever's handy, whether it's a can of soup, restaurant leftovers, or half a bag of Dorito's), drinking too much coffee to try and stay awake, and yet I've lost 12.5 lbs apparently.

Clearly, I'm not "fine".  But I think I'm better.  And I hope I will continue to get better, and that my coworkers will continue to be patient with me while I struggle to catch back up to normal.  As for the gym and the grocery store, I don't think it'll hurt me too much to put that off until next week, nor will my wallet complain at the reprieve if I eat a few more dinners at other people's houses, at least until after payday.

Thanks for listening to my rambling, dear blog readers.  If you're out there, please leave a comment below.  I do so need some regular human interaction, in whatever form it might be available these days.  Thanks for being there with me, as intangential as that may seem.  Not sure if that's a real word or if I've used it correctly, but apparently I'm too lazy to actually look it up so... deal with it?

Back to work now, before any more of my day ticks by without me accomplishing anything.